by iampunha | 8/21/2008 08:00:00 AM
2+2? Not a problem.

452+452? Harder, but I can sum it myself.

But 4.53+65.45+649.32+.97?

I need a hard drink after I handle that one. And my customers over at the General Store have run out of casual topics to discuss while I sum their total.

Well, no more! Today I'm using the just-patented William S. Burroughs' Burroughs Registering Accountant, and I'm registering more account sales than my competitor.

For Nat Turner, who on Aug. 21, 1831, had dinner in the woods with fellow patriots, the prelude to his slave revolt, for which he was executed months later.

And for Isadore "Friz" Freleng, born on Aug. 21, 1906, who teamed with Mel Blanc for decades of American cartoon brilliance and entertainment.

So there, I was, standing in the Ottumwa, Iowa, general store, killing time while I counted up an order for a regular customer, Mort Snerd. "Why, I sure do enjoy seeing your wife's lovely cotton dresses on Sundays, Mr. Snerd," I have been known to say from time to time.

Mr. Snerd is known to reply, with a wink, "Yes, they do look lovely inside and out."

This always causes us to blush a little, but it is accepted that Mrs. Snerd is the loveliest lady in all of Ottumwa.

And the loveliest invention in all of these United States is Mr. William S. Burroughs' Registering Accountant. It was patented just today, and already sales are soaring!

That would be quite the onerous ordeal for Mr. Burroughs except that he can use his very machine to record and tally sales on the machine, including net sales, gross sales and anticipated stock!

And if you had a Burroughs Registering Accountant, you too would be able to sum figures faster than a man using paper and a knife-sharpened Dixon pencil.

Now, other men have made adding machines before Mr. Burroughs came out with his. There was a Frenchman Pascal many years ago who sought to help his businessman father get his numbers added quicker.

But Pascal's machine was slow.

It was heavy.

It didn't have the display features of Mr. Burroughs' marvelous device.

And it was too expensive for the average General Store owner.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I predict that this machine will become so popular in the next five years that the days of a General Store owner having to sum figures by hand will be a thing of the past before President Cleveland leaves office!

No longer will you have to list prices in increments of 25 cents, 50 cents, even one dollar! With this handy, dandy registering accountant, you'll be able to undercut your competition!

Worried about the price, fellow General Store owner? True, even a laborer in high-falutin' Connecticut earns only $16 a week, or a little more than $800 a year, which is a little less than twice of what you'll spend on this magical machine. But think of the time you'll save counting up a customer's total and the money you'll save if you have a counting error. No longer will you have to employ your hated neighbor's son to do the math and crack jokes all day while your lady customers blush and speak in demure tones about "that young fellow" and his language. With the money you'll save using this device, you'll be able to afford expanding the store, taking on more stock, even taking the little woman out on the town once in a while. And you'll know exactly how much you spent on that soiree with the Burroughs Registering Accountant!

One day, I predict the name of Burroughs will be known in every household! So step right up, ladies and gentlemen, and be among the first to see for yourself what a marvel this machine is! What a colossus of counting clarity! Free up your future finances with this fortuitous find! The Burroughs Registering Accountant is on sale today!

Step right up, step right up, step right up!





Blogger Ahistoricality on 8/21/2008 8:56 PM:

Nice little slice-of-life!